That stupid envelope

So I know a bunch of you who read my blog already heard this story today, but I've gotta get it out one more time because I'm hoping that writing it will make me feel better. On Mondays I get to meet with a group of my peers to discuss our internships that we've been placed at for our practicum. During the meeting today, another group member was "multi-tasking" and opening her mail (yes, actual letters), paying bills, etc.. She started to get very excited and said she had opened a letter from the University of Utah; it was an acceptance letter for the Social Work graduate program.

I was pretty sure I didn't want to start grad school this fall and would defer to next year if I got accepted, until I saw her open that envelope. I literally felt sick; I could not (and still cannot) believe how much I wished it were me opening that envelope and finding an acceptance letter inside. I want to have the choice to either start this Fall or defer to next year, but I don't want to have that choice be made for me, which is what will happen if I don't get accepted.

So, I nonchalantly glanced at the envelope (okay, multiple times) and saw that the postmark date on the envelope was January 23rd. I know how the grad school system works, and I know they send the letters to their "first picks" first, give them two weeks to respond, then send letters to the next list of applicants and go on until all the spots are filled. This HAS to mean that I wasn't on that "first picks" list and really, I wish I had never seen that envelope today because I would still be happily content with waiting to just "see what happens."

The anticipation may just kill me!